About

Hello! My name is Xavier. I decided to call this project Rekkaen because I feel weird having my name blasted in big letters at the top of a website. Despite my giant ego I don’t really like putting my name on things I create, signing a piece of art makes me uncomfortable, I’m far more comfortable drawing a cartoon head of my troublesome dead dog Buddy as a signature. Although I’m quite prone to forget to even do that.

As far back as I can remember I’ve always been sad, I’ve had depression all my life, and for the bulk of my life I’ve wanted to not be alive. Please don’t fret though, I’m in no danger of killing myself. I have a lot of people who care dearly for me and I know it would pain them if I were to suicide. Also, I have a troublesome alive dog named Smoke to look after. He’s far more troublesome than Buddy was and I can barely trust another person to walk him let alone take care for his life.

If there was a button that I could press to erase my existence entirely, both my life and the memory of me from my friends and family so they wouldn’t be sad about my death. I would press that button. Obviously there is no such button. If I’m going to remain alive, I should strive to find the smiles where I can.

I use to draw dinosaurs, rocket cars and Mortal Kombat characters as a kid. They were all terribly draw, but given I was a kid I’m not too fused about it, as I grew older my level of skill never improved. I was always having ideas for drawings but lacked both confidence and ability to produce them. Around age 20 I decided I wanted to get good at drawing, so I started teaching myself how to draw by drawing frogs – also other subjects – but primarily frogs.

The more I drew I noticed the happier I started to become. I’ve never become totally happy, it’s and up and down thing, but it’s been a long time since I sat around thinking I’d rather be dead. Seeing a growth slowly happen that I initiated and worked hard on over years was fulfilling. I had no ambition to become an artist, I drew for the joy of it (plus I never thought I was any good – or perhaps I was just afraid of rejection). Drawing is my happy place, I have no idea why the act of drawing is so nurturing for the soul, but it works. I’m assuming all forms of art give that warm fuzzy feeling.

I started listening to more punk thanks to the persistent (aggressive) recommendations from my best friends. The more music I got into the more I began to find how I wanted my drawings to look. After seeing the cover for the Amebix – Winter 7” I had to draw in black and white, it was my mission to make artwork that lived up to the epic darkness of that cover. Listening to Amebix led me to listening to Axegrinder, which led me to listening to Effigy, which led me to listening to S.D.S. and so on. Listening to those bands has been the biggest influence on why I draw the way I do, and – along with some other bands – also helped me in how I live my life.

I’m inspired by art outside of punk. Zdzislaw Beksinski is without a doubt my favourite artist and biggest influence. I’m in complete awe of his every creation, I try to my art as grand and imposing as Beksinski’s, his art definitely steered me towards dark surrealism. Adult comics and manga also influence how I draw, particularly Frank Miller’s Sin City series, Neil Gaiman’s Sandman and Kentaro Miura’s Berserk. Also throw in a splash of old Warhammer 40,000 artwork. Epic, black and white, dark art, a dash of surrealism, mixed with a heap of punk style is what I aspire to in nearly every drawing.

I’ve had periods of depression since I started drawing, but drawing and friends have always helped me through those times. If you’re feeling sad, I cannot recommend enough making some art. It’s been a little over a decade since I started a focused drive to draw, it’s improved my life significantly. I’ve made friends, found out about and built upon who I am. Sometimes I even feel that I love being alive. I was never able to say that when I was younger. I’m incredibly grateful I can say it now.

This website is a mix of my drawings as well as personal stories of friends and moments in my life that have been a part of my art – sometimes in a long winded, round about way. The purpose of this website is to convey how friends (dogs especially) and art have brought me joy and made me happy to be alive. Hopefully my stories and art will bring you some joy, or at least a smile. Every smile is important.